As a dog owner, I am often asked why my dog is barking her fluffy little head off. One time some neighbors called me late at night just to ask me that very question, except instead of asking, they were telling. And what they were telling me was that they were going to call the police. Another time, they did! Being responsible for other living things is so exciting! I have made a checklist of reasons dogs bark (in my experience), and I'm going to share it with you, so the next time your dog is barking you can go down it like I do in my head, which is not terrifying or anxiety inducing at all.

"I am your dog and I am barking because...

...that shadow is shaped like a bird I saw one time.
...there is an axe murderer in our house.
...the neighbor is sitting out on his patio and sometimes he gives me treats.
...I found a snake in the lawn. It's poisonous.
...I'm showing this deer what's what.
...this deer is showing me what's what.
...OoOh yeah. It's a migratory goose, and it's landing in our yard.
...I heard a dog bark.
...hobo in the attic
...mailman. Always. How long must I be denied?
...a dog went for a walk past our house. How long must I be denied?
...the ups guy threw a package at our doorstep from 35 feet away. His terror is only somewhat satisfying.
...someone is currently breaking into our car.
...a rabbit is eating your squash
...there is an axe murderer in our house, freel this time.
...the moon....exists."